When did I start gaining emotions for you. When did I let you in? I keep my walls so high and guarded and now when I see your smile, it makes me want to vomit.
The butterflies in my stomach get all twisted and knotted in the confused mixed feelings. Feelings I haven’t felt in months… years… and it has me confused
and less bitter.
But sicker than ever.
Yes. I’m less bitter.
My friends were right when they poked fun at me saying, “watch out, maybe you’re gaining a soul.” I’m less bitter. When in the Hell did this happen? I kept my heart cold and empty. I kept all of my emotions locked up in the cellar and swept clean. But the past ache and heartache are not tangled and chained in the basement of my non functioning heart anymore. It’s loose but it doesn’t matter anymore. The pain doesn’t hurt anymore. I let that wound heal over the course of a year. And I got over it, knowing that I wouldn’t feel this again. Not for a while atleast. Who needs to feel at nearly 20 anyways? That should not be my focus.
But why are these feelings striking up again?
The butterflies are back. They’re different. Mature and aggressive. Your smile feeds them. They flutter aggressively and my face flushes bright red when I’m around you. You make me happy.
But it makes me sick. When did I let you in? When did I let these butterflies take control and make me feel for you? I thought I stuffed them in an envelope and sent them away a long long time ago. I thought I couldn’t feel that way anymore.
It’s all coming back so new to me, and you make me.
You confuse me.
You make me so.
I don’t know if I’m happy or not. It’s all too much and
you make me want to vomit.
Why did I get attached?
You came to me unexpected, full forced, strong, determined.
A new light. A new face.
A new sense of feeling that I let go off a long time ago.
But I thought you wouldn’t last.
And now, here you are.
And I’m learning to feel stronger emotions again. You snuck your way in and no matter how much I push you out,
Your smile still makes me weak.