"Beyond Beautiful; is the sound of a Ghost."

You drove me crazy and ripped me apart my entire life but we worked on it and you fixed it. We made things better. We made our relationship better. You cared and tried your best to show me that you cared, even on my birthday you said hi. It was weird but I took it. We fixed things but even then I never wanted to go to New York City to visit you. I was scared of you. When your husband died was the last time I made my way to see you. I couldn’t even tell you what summer that was. It feels like it has not been that long ago, but I know it has been. I was stupid and scared that everything would fall apart again. Just when I thought I was getting better. I should have took my time to go visit you, scared or not and now it’s too late. I can’t even cry about it yet. It hasn’t really hit me that you could be dead right now or in the next few hours or minutes. I hate not being in the hospital with you but even with that I’m scared to go and feel like I’m not wanted there or I just couldn’t handle it in my mental state. I just don’t know how to feel. I just hope you’re better off wherever you go and just know that I do love you, even with all of our faults. 

I think I might like you more than I should. Why do I miss you this much? 

You said, “Please understand if I see you again and don’t say hello.”

….

I said, “Please understand I’ve been drinking again, and all I do is hope.”

Please Stay.

I’ll admit I was wrong about everything, ‘cause I’m high and I don’t want to come down.

All the fun we had on your mother’s couch… I don’t even want to think about.

I’m not strong enough for the both of us.

What was I suppose to do?

You know I love you.

Back to campus I go and I can’t wait to see the few people on my floor who will join me and my lovely Dani. <3

Hate me all you want. Be mad at me. Do it. Hurt me. I don’t care.

Just don’t forget who you are and who I am. Don’t forget that I am your sister and that no matter what I will always love you. Don’t forget how close we used to be and how much you mean to me.

Go ahead, be mad at me. Don’t tell me why. 

But just know I’m sorry for leaving you alone in this house. I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me. I’m just sorry. 

I don’t know how many times I can tell you that. But you weren’t always there for me either. I don’t blame you. I love you and I wish you could just stop to think how much I need you. 

Please stop pushing me away, I can’t stand it. 

If you want to hate me, then hate me. But at least talk to me. Tell me that you hate me. I rather hear you spit fire at me than leaving me alone in this cold ice.

love. <3

I’ve been on an 80’s teen horrors movie craze. All the horror movies I’ve watched so far have been so great. The bad acting and over dramatic scenes have all been so wonderful. The best parts have been when I begin to think the movie is going to be super predictable, when suddenly there is a huge climatic plot twist and I’m left like OH MY GOD….

But this one movie made me so mad! Lol

I was watching April Fool’s Day and really getting into it; screaming at the tv like OH MY GOD DON’T DO IT YOU PSYCHO DON’T KILL HER! I sat through the whole movie like oh my god I SAW THAT COMING BUT DON’T DO IT! Then the end happens and the whole movie was a LIE. I was so pissed…. April Fool’s Day is why people have trust issues. THIS MOVIE VERIFIED MY TRUST ISSUES. Lmao so mad. 

If I make it to motherhood, I bless my child with all the love and hope I can give. 

She may not know it and may want to hate me on some days but I’ll always be the one who is there for her.  

And heart ache, pain, destruction will not get the best of her. She’ll know, I’ve been there, done that. I won’t let her suffer the pain that I did. I’ll let her know that my scars made me stronger, wiser. And her scars will not be the end of her.

She will know the love of a mother and hopefully be able to hold on to her father. Because I know the pain of feeling alone, not even being able to rely on anyone, not even on your parents. But she will never meet that pain.

She will never understand what it is like to be completely alone. I will always be there for her.

And if I am to have a little man, he will be my little solider. Not that he has to be strong or brave, but he will be proud. Proud of who he is and what he does. No matter the flaw.

Because he won’t know a flaw if it fell on him like a rain drop. He will always be beautiful to me and I will always let him know on a daily routine.

And their dreams will be my dreams. I’ll do anything for them.

But most of all I will always let them know how much I love and care for them. 

I make it so difficult for you to fall for me. I don’t open up to you. I push you away every-time. I fight you. When you’re feeling down, I make it worst. I am insensitive and I love to test your trust. I’m just hard to love. 

I do it on purpose. Because I’ve been hurt before. And I’m scared to give my all again and be shot down like before. 

I don’t know why you’re sticking around with me. I really don’t deserve it but I’m glad you’re keeping me around. 

It’s starting to get easier to warm up to you. Something about you is making it hard to push you away.