When did you start to matter?
When did I start gaining emotions for you. When did I let you in? I keep my walls so high and guarded and now when I see your smile, it makes me want to vomit.
The butterflies in my stomach get all twisted and knotted in the confused mixed feelings. Feelings I haven’t felt in months… years… and it has me confused
and less bitter.
But sicker than ever.
Yes. I’m less bitter.
My friends were right when they poked fun at me saying, “watch out, maybe you’re gaining a soul.” I’m less bitter. When in the Hell did this happen? I kept my heart cold and empty. I kept all of my emotions locked up in the cellar and swept clean. But the past ache and heartache are not tangled and chained in the basement of my non functioning heart anymore. It’s loose but it doesn’t matter anymore. The pain doesn’t hurt anymore. I let that wound heal over the course of a year. And I got over it, knowing that I wouldn’t feel this again. Not for a while atleast. Who needs to feel at nearly 20 anyways? That should not be my focus.
But why are these feelings striking up again?
The butterflies are back. They’re different. Mature and aggressive. Your smile feeds them. They flutter aggressively and my face flushes bright red when I’m around you. You make me happy.
But it makes me sick. When did I let you in? When did I let these butterflies take control and make me feel for you? I thought I stuffed them in an envelope and sent them away a long long time ago. I thought I couldn’t feel that way anymore.
It’s all coming back so new to me, and you make me.
You confuse me.
You make me so.
I don’t know if I’m happy or not. It’s all too much and
you make me want to vomit.
Why did I get attached?
You came to me unexpected, full forced, strong, determined.
A new light. A new face.
A new sense of feeling that I let go off a long time ago.
But I thought you wouldn’t last.
And now, here you are.
And I’m learning to feel stronger emotions again. You snuck your way in and no matter how much I push you out,
Your smile still makes me weak.
Sometimes it feels like fairy tales are just full of shit.
Sometimes I wonder why I want to believe in fairy tales so much. Sometimes it feels like they’re just full of shit. I fall in and out of love. I go through ups and downs. I turn my back on everything I know and burn all the bridges I’ve ever built. I do so much just to find my happily ever after and sometimes it just feels like I’m wasting my time. Listening to all these stupid love songs make me so sick. But sometimes I just can’t stop. Sometimes I can’t get the sweet memories out of my head and the stupid butterflies of out my stomach. Sometimes I’m stuck in that time where everything is good and what we had felt so real. But if happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding on to you and not turning my back on yesterday.
But you know what, forget all of this. Forget those stupid silly feelings I felt. Forget everything I ever wanted. Forget everything I would ever have with you. I know I turned my back on you and tried to forget you, but the one thing I’ll never be able to turn my back on is believing that my happy ever after does exist. Even if it’s another who makes everything come true, I know that it will happen.
I just won’t waste my time making plans for two or wasting my change on you. I will be out buying myself all the nice things you didn’t. I will be out spending time with others and rewriting all my fairy tales, editing out all of the shit.
It’s been a while since I felt butterflies… Do you feel the same way too?
I never thought that you, out of everyone who has come and gone, you’d be the one I can’t get off my mind. It’s driving me crazy and I’m tired of denying you. I can’t lie to myself any longer! I just want you to put your arms around me and don’t let go. I wasn’t ever expecting you to be the one to grab a hold of my heart but I can’t help but smile whenever I hear your name. I didn’t think I was ready to give my heart to another but when you kiss me, something comes over me and I just want you to kiss me again and again and again.
Sick and Tired.
I’m so sick of your shit. You bring me down, you shut me out, you push me around, and I’m tired of it all. I hope you know I’m done crying for you. I’m done trying and I don’t care anymore. I hope you’re in more pain than me because I feel nothing at all. I’m over it.
Feeling overwhelmingly exhausted emotionally.
I just had a serious conversation with my best friend about everything that has been going on in my mind lately. I needed to talk to someone about it badly before I exploded. I’m glad I got it all off my chest, but I still don’t feel better.
She wants to do an activity with me this week about not repressing my emotions and feelings and expressing them instantly by either telling them to the person I’m with, writing it down, or telling it to her as soon as it happens. This is going to be super hard since I’m better at not sharing things and letting it eat me alive. I guess doing this could do me some good.
I’m feeling fearfully hopeful.
It’s just one of those days.
Where I don’t want to be around anyone, except maybe that one person who actually cares. I’m sick and tired. Of what? I don’t know. Everything. Nothing. Life. I feel disgusting, weak, fragile. I feel like giving up. I want to sleep my problems away. If anything, I want to feel a different type of pain. Not this emotional bullshit. ‘Till then, I’ll just lie here in bed and snap my problems away until I can’t feel no more.
I hate how people did not bother to keep contact with me over vacation, not even say hi to me, yet the first day we go back to school, they have the nerve to get mad at me for not speaking to them in school? I’m sorry but, I did not know I was obligated to go up to you and speak to you whenever I saw you. I’m not being bitter because they didn’t speak to me, I prefer it if they didn’t. I enjoy not being around them, seeing them, speaking to them. But, I will get bitter when you come up to me and tell me that I’m being mean or rude because I’m “ignoring you.”
I’m not ignoring you, I’m just not wasting my time to go up to you and speak to you if you won’t waste the time to speak to me. I only put in the same amount of effort you do and if you put in none, then I’ll put in none as well.
If you want to talk to me, please just do it. I don’t bite, I’m not mean, or rude, or scary. But don’t expect me to go out of my way EVERY TIME to speak to you. Unless we’re close friends, I enjoy speaking to you, or I think you’re a really cool, sweet person then I will put in any effort to keep contact with you.
Like we used to…
Listening to “Like We Used To” By A Rocket To the Moon or “Into Your Arms” by the Maine is so hard for me. I always end up crying. It’s just a thing I do. Not because of how beautiful both songs are, but just because they remind me so much of my best friend. Him and I were inseparable. I loved him so much. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for him. He kept me strong through so many moments in my life. He was there for me when I was having personal issues with my father. He was there for me when I was going through eatting disorders, cutting, insomnia, anxiety. He was there for me when my world came crashing down. When I was lost in the dark. He was there for all my break ups, screw ups, mess ups. He was there for everything I went through. He always knew how to cheer me up, make me smile. I knew I could go to him for anything. He made me so happy. Our favorite thing to do was sit in his backyard and he would play me his guitar and sing me a song. He would always sing me love songs, songs that made us smile. His favorite was “Like We Used To,” it described our relationship so well. He was the one. He was the perfect one for me. No other guy did things like we used to. No other guy did things for me like he used to. He brought me flowers, he gave me hugs, he stayed up with me all night every night, he took care of me when I was sick, he listened to everything I said, and comforted me when I needed him.
We never dated. We should have. We could have. We could have had a beautiful relationship. He could have been the one. But we were so scared of ruining the relationship we already shared. He ended up moving miles and miles away. He now lives in Italy, studying medicine in College. We skype every night. He’s still there for me. He’s still the one I go to for everything. He’s still my comfort, my rock, my security blanket. I still love him. He still means everything to me. I still mean everything to him and as we grow up, we’ll still forever be together. He’s happy for me, for everything good going on in my life. He’s happy I found someone who can do things like he used to, better than he used to. He’s happy that I’m growing up and discovering who I am. I’m happy that he’s happy for me and that he’s still sticking around in my life. One day, he’ll be my man of honor at my wedding. No matter the distance, nothing will separate us. And when he finds the perfect girl who he right for him, I hope that she will do things for him like I used to. I hope he’ll fall into her arms and fall madly, deeply in love with her. I hope she falls harder for him. I hope she makes him feel like that amazing man he is.
I hope today hurt you. I hope that you regret everything. When you saw me, I hope it destroyed you. But don’t worry dear, I don’t hate you. I actually have to thank you because you made me stronger. I put up with your bullshit and your insults. I put up with your hurtful words and your ridicule. I bet you thought I was broken. I bet you thought every thing good in my life was gone. I hope you saw that you were wrong. The boy who went out of his way to ruin my day everyday. The boy who made me cry, and I don’t know why anymore. The boy who made me hateful. The boy who never mattered anyway. When I saw you today, it was one of the happiest moments in my life. Not because I saw you, but because you got to see me at my greatest. You saw that I don’t need you. I never did. You saw me smile, laugh. You saw me with someone else. Someone better than you who treats me right. Someone I can honestly say I love. And I hope it killed you. You never broke me. I stand a little taller, and I come back fighting because of you. You didn’t kill me, you made me so much stronger. I don’t regret you for that but I hope you regret me. I hope you regret that you made me the person I am today and you pushed me away. You lost me and it was all your doing. Doesn’t that just suck? Oh well, that’s your problem now. Thank you for being the worst person to ever enter my life. You changed me for the better and for that I’ll love you. But for everything else… Fuck you. After you saw what I wanted you to see, I don’t need you to ever come back into my life. Now that you know what you missed out on, please leave me alone. Disappear forever.